i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
