just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
