the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
