i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
