Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
