You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
