I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
