I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
