I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
