i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
