im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
