My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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