if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
