turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
