I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
