So drunk its hurt
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
