Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
