so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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