I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
