Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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