I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
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