I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
