Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
