I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So many bounce houses so little time
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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