my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And then my night got REAL pukey
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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