I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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