cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
