I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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