I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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