I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
