Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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