Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
