I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You pole danced in your parka.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
