you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
