I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
