I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
send nudes
from the living room?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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