Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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