Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
FUCK WHALES
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
