false alarm. still invincible.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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