I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
