You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
