you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she peed on how many people?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
