I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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