Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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