I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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