I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
