Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
