just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
