Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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