dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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