Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
