I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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